saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
