On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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