The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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