Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
