Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
