I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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