Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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