I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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