K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
