She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
