She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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