Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
stop calling my apartment porn island.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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