If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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