Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
