Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
