Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
