They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
