my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
