what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
