The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
