I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
