I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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