He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
