I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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