I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
