Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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