Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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