i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
