literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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