Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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