I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
