No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
