In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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