You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
