We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
