my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
