I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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