Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Randomize
