you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
