Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
