so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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