Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
