Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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