we made out on top of his cat.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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