Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
