dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
