she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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