Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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