Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
