Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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