I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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