so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Sorry my hands just texted you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
