Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
