woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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