I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
